Body I Mind.

Lately, I’ve been doing that thing where I try to exist as far away from my body as possible.  I want to connect with people, I want to relate, but if I can do that without them seeing me or reminding me that I have a physical self (my tendency to crave touch aside), that strikes me as fantastic.  …It’s a problem.  I know why it’s happening, and I know how to work on it.  (After all, a girl doesn’t earn -nearly! – seven years abstinence from an eating disorder not knowing these things.)  But still, it’s… lame.

And it has me thinking about something Elephant said to me when I first mentioned to him the possibility that I was asexual, about how it seemed more likely to him that I didn’t consider myself sexually desirable than that I was actually not experiencing sexual desire.  I don’t know what’s true of that.  I don’t know the probability, really; there aren’t any good studies to guess it for me, and even with a valid statistic, I couldn’t really say for certain what is and isn’t me.  What I do know is that I’ve fought too damn hard to win my life back to lose any piece of myself again, especially to this illness.  I do know that if it turns out that my lack of sexual desire ties back to my lack of self-esteem or my tendency to struggle with my body (not only how it looks but the fact that I have one in the first place), I will scramble tooth and nail to progress still further, to gain back yet another facet of myself, which my illness has controlled for too long.  A few months ago, Elephant brought (good) tears to my eyes with an e-mail saying that — (to the extent that eating disorders are about physicality, which is significantly less than people think) — he hopes that I’ve managed to recover not by accepting a false sense of ugliness but by recogning my beauty.  I want to be someone who can hear a statement like that and instead of thinking, “Holy holy, you really are the most wonderful human being on the planet, aren’t you?” think, “I did.  I did recover that way.”

In the meantime, there are things — in the external world, in addition to my personal experience — that help me recognize there’s nothing wrong with who I am and how I love.  That’s a message I want to dig into my brain and take root there, so maybe I need to give them more room to make a home.  Take a few for your viewing pleasure, and maybe those of us who need to, — (raising my hand on that one), — will do a better job of remembering them.

First up, some stereotypical lesbian goodness:

 

Followed by one of my two favorite Mary Oliver poems:  Wild Geese.  Take these words and know them, and I’ll try to do the same.

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2 Responses to “Body I Mind.”

  1. theimpossiblek Says:

    :: raises hand ::
    I love the message of this video- and this post. I first read this on my Google reader, and I kind of hoped you’d show an Indigo Girls video (they have a lot of positive songs), but this song was very appropriate indeed. 🙂

  2. willendork Says:

    theimpossiblek: Sorry to hear you have this same struggle. Here’s to both of us making our way through it. Also — I freaking love the Indigo Girls. If I ever think of a relevant song, I will totally post it. 🙂

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