Fantastic Beasts and How to Asexualize Them.

Labels aside, many of us enjoy a good fantasy. Is it possible that the themes of our fantasies are not as different as we think?  To consider this question, I’ve undertaken a tongue-and-cheek exploration of how similar sexuals and asexuals really are.  MLA gurus will note the lack of citations, which suggest this — like Wikipedia — does not constitute a reliable source.  Sufficeth to say that real conclusions about sexuality and asexuality should probably not be drawn from it.  Conclusions about my dorky sense of humor may, however, be in order.  (Case and point, the title of this entry, which is intended to rest less on the notion that sexual fantasies are beastly and need to be asexualized and more on the fact that I, quite frankly, am still a Harry Potter geek.)

Fantasy 1: Domination/ Submission
1a) Sexual: For sexuals, domination tends to involve complete power over the erotic pleasure of a consensual sexual partner. It might be “vanilla” (i.e. non-kinky) or overlap with BDSM.  Sexual fantasies of submission are similar (in that they are consensual explorations of power dynamics in a sexual framework, and may or may not be kinky); however a “submissive” person receives sexual pleasure from being dominated (rather than dominating someone else.)
1b) Asexual: Many asexuals also have domination fantasies. Except, while the sexual domination fantasy is likely to involve, say, a leather-clad woman wielding a whip, the asexual domination fantasy more often manifests in a tweed-clad, androgynous geek, thoroughly pwning their partner at a video game (or other recreational pastime). Sadly, this asexual pwning, both in fantasy and in practice, is not always consensual, although I’ll be the first to admit that with the right partner (and the right attitude) even getting thoroughly stomped at Scrabulous can constitute a good time.

Fantasy 2: Teacher/ Student
2a) Sexual: Perhaps because this fantasy (like that of domination or submission) explores a power dynamic, or perhaps because it allows for sexual relationships which are — in reality — a punishable taboo, it has long been a staple in sexual fantasy, role-play, and pr0n.  The fantasy commonly involves private school garb (the Catholic schoolgirl introduces an added layer of religious taboo) and/or bun-toting, glasses-wearing teacher-prudes who transform into sexual vixens to satisfy their students.  (The glasses, sadly, are usually lost in the transformation process.)
2b) Asexual:  While asexual folks may not wish to know their teachers in the biblical sense, the desire to know them non-biblically remains.  So, fantasies of well-plotted post-class loitering exist; they’re just less likely to evolve into something that would (in the real world) spark dishonorable dismissal and juicy newspaper headlines.  For a good sense of the asexual teacher/student fantasy, temporarily suspend your image of two semi-naked people entangled on a classroom desk, and replace it with, say, two basically-clothed folks getting way too excited about literary analysis, sociology, queer theory (or whatever other fetish asexually arouses them.  Maybe even a theoretical discussion of sex.  Crazier things have happened.)

Fantasy 3: Librarian
3a) Sexual: Take it from Prof. Harold Hill, librarians are just plain sexy.  Similar to the teacher in the previous fantasy, sexual librarian fantasies often involve a modest matron who transforms into a hypersexual Aphrodite basically in one fell swoop.  Another popular version involves what this blurb on the (perhaps no-longer-existent) Library Bar in New York terms “librarians dressed as though they were too busy reading to finish” putting on their clothes.  Often, the sex-appeal of librarians is thought to be rooted largely in what David Austin calls the “quite persistent stereoytpe [that] librarians are sexually repressed.”  Uncork all that pent up sexuality, and boom, you have a less-disturbing, less-vaguely-sad version of a scene from Aimee Bender’s “Quiet, Please,” an idea many sexuals apparently can’t renew often enough. 
3b) Asexual: Asexuals tend to be bigger fans of the library than the librarian.  Whether spying on your reading list, indulging that nagging urge to alphebatize, or overanalyzing their latest read, asexuals often opt for self-checkout, hawt librarians aside.  (Unless, of course, the librarian in question has been identified as a trusted source of a good recommendation, or has shown interest in discussing one’s most recently-devoured tome.)  The asexual funny bone is the one that led me to chuckle a few days back when — perusing a recently reorganized bookstore — I came upon signs informing customers that “romance” and “erotica” had both been “moved to fiction.”  In short, despite what the t-shirt says, reading is as asexy as it is sexy.  After all, trysts with librarians are bound to cut into one’s recreational reading time.

Fantasy 4: Poolboy/ Gardener/ French Maid/ Secretary
4a) Sexual: Whether it’s Legally Blonde’s Brooke Taylor Windham admitting she likes to watch her poolboy wear a thong while he cleans the filter, Clue: The Movie trading in frumpy Mrs. White for the salicious Yvette, or basically any Hollywood secretary wild for her boss, employer/employee fantasies are commonly represented in film.  Although I could probably manage an entire post on why the extension of paid service to include sexual service strikes me as problematic (at best), I’ll save that for another time and simply point to the “taboo” nature involved in this fantasy, which often seems to be amplified by the committed marital status of at least one of the involved parties.  For many people, there remains something tantalizing about the so-called forbidden fruit.
4b) Asexual: Asexuals, in many cases, are just looking for a good Marco Polo partner. They’re likely to be more jazzed about a clean apartment (or filter) than the person cleaning it, they can do their own copyediting (although they have mixed feelings about phones), and as for gardeners… well, let’s just say the asexual concept of “getting dirty with a gardener” usually has more to do with literal dirt (read: soil) than the figurative kind.  They also tend to fantasize more often about paid employment than they do their paid employees.  Mmm, paycheck.

Fantasy 5: Multiple Partners
5a) Sexual: Have you seen a music video recently?  Although music probably lands on my list of things I’d like to see desexualized (or at least see sexual in a less misogynistic fashion), the media clearly reflects and contributes to a fanstasy of multiple partners (although often only granting heterosexual men the right to have said fantasy, but… another entry, seriously).  Sexual fantasies involving multiple partners may involve threesomes, orgies, or simply still another season of The Bachelor.  In practice, they tend to find their basis in relatonal structures such as polaymory or swinging.
5b) Asexual: Simultaneous asexual intimacy with multiple people is most often referred to as a dinner party. Book clubs, stitch-and-bitch groups, and other meetups are also common. In a pinch, group therapy may also suffice.


So granted, this was mainly an exercise in dorkhood for me, (and one that took far too long at that!), but I agree with David that blurring the line between sexual and asexual desire is not only necessary, it’s rather a good time.  Beyond potentially getting a smile out of you, I hope this constitutes a good first attempt on my part toward that blurring the desire line, and compells you to consider playing with those boundaries yourself.  I’m all for a good line in the sand where it increases one’s comfort level, but let’s not make walls of those lines, ok?


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4 Responses to “Fantastic Beasts and How to Asexualize Them.”

  1. Téa :) Says:

    I loved reading this.
    Pretty funny.


  2. willendork Says:

    yeay! thank you.

  3. pretzelboy Says:

    I have had many asexual pwning fantasies. Sadly, they too often remain mere fantasies after a little too much actual, non-consensual pwning–in the passive voice.

  4. willendork Says:

    pretzelboy: 🙂 I like to strike a good balance between pwning and being pwned. it doesn’t always work out, but it’s a good goal, I think.

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